Somewhat misleading headline I think given the content of the article but still a valid point. My question to you folks out there is this: I came across this statement sometime back and realized I need to change my friends if I am to better my situation. My friends, while good people, are not goal oriented and have for all intents and purposes given up. The people who I'd like to hang out with and who can help me grow reject me most of the time (they perhaps intuitively have internalized this wisdom and don't want me contributing to their average since they are at a better place than me currently). What are some practical ways to upgrade your friends especially if you are highly introverted?
I think you may want to take a close look at your actual desires and see if you really want to become goal-oriented. Our friends are usually a reflection of ourselves; if you're constantly not fitting in with goal-oriented people, perhaps that's a sign that you don't really want to be a goal-oriented person yourself.
I spent a few years after college thinking I would work really hard and found a famous startup and get rich. I did work really hard and found a startup, but it made me neither rich nor famous. But it did get me into Google, where I met lots of goal-oriented type-A people (the application process seems to select for that), and earned their professional respect and they earned mine. However, something always felt "off" when I tried hanging out socially with the more focused, hard-working folks, like I didn't really identify with them. And I was a lot less happy when working flat-out towards a goal than when poking my head into lots of corners.
I've come to realize lately that I'm not goal-oriented, and in fact don't give a shit about goals. Instead, I'm discovery-oriented: I like to understand how the world around me works, and maybe poke it a bit and see what happens. And most of my closest friends reflect that back to me.
There is unfortunately a mythology around startup founders that says they must be hyper-focused goal-oriented people. And it's true in a lot of cases: Bill Gates, Larry Page, Steve Jobs, Jeff Bezos, Larry Ellison, they all knew pretty much what they wanted to achieve and then focused on that until it came true. But there're good examples of discovery-oriented startup founders as well: Evan Williams, Paul Buchheit, Pierre Omidyar, Steve Wozniak, Sergey Brin. They usually end up taking a much more meandering path toward greatness (or partnering with a goal-oriented person), but they still get there.
Work with what you've got and figure out a path that harmonizes with that, rather than trying to change yourself. Trying to be someone you're not just doesn't work.
Just like anything else in life, you have to do this step-by-step.
First, don't sell yourself short. You have some valuable attributes and characteristics that others will find valuable. You find a friend or group of friends who are a notch or two closer to where you want to be, people that have something valuable to give you and to whom you can give something back.
You slowly replace your friends with "better" ones that will bring you closer to your goals and will make you more of who you want to be, and you climb that ladder to the top. It'll take time, but it's also a far more guaranteed outcome versus suddenly jumping into a circle you don't yet belong in, where even if they'll accept you, chances are you'll change your mind and back out.
"You slowly replace your friends with "better" ones"..."will make you more of who you want to be"
I believe the talented Mr Ripley used this strategy to good effect. There's a saying about never trust anyone who doesn't have at least one friend left from childhood.
Not sure what the point of the childhood friend thing is.
I was a very very awkward youth (I didn't speak English well and I was one of few Indian students at my school) so I had a lot of trouble making friends. I don't have many friends from my childhood because I wasn't very good at it, I didn't really establish lasting friendships until High School and College.
High school counts as childhood, and more to the point, childhood friends are an indication that a person is not a disloyal back stabber and is someone others value. It's social proof.
it's just a saying though and is useless past its intended meaning. It does't seem to apply to you.
Maybe these will seem obvious, but maybe one of them will stick:
- Go to meetups, get there early for the networking/pizza stuff that happens before the main talk, stay after and see if people go out for drinks
- If you have a few people you know that might be a good fit, set up a mastermind group; I haven't done this myself but it seems like a low pressure way to get people together and build off the positive peer pressure
